Have you ever wished you were a fly on the wall, so you could see what really happens behind closed doors? Now is your chance. Today I am participating for the first time in a Fly on the Wall group post, the brainchild of my fellow Mother of All Meltdowns contributor Karen. Fifteen bloggers invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes.
Do you like how I’m building this up, as if being a fly on the wall at my house would be the most fascinating thing ever?
Perhaps I’ve oversold it a bit, but here are some snippets of what a fly would see and hear in our home over the last month. The cast of characters: me, my husband Matt, 15 year old Gwen and 12 year old James.
***
We are high brow…
Gwen: Mom, I’m going to put all my books away and then eat my–
Matt: Boogers?
Gwen: Yes, Dad. I’m going to eat my boogers.
***
Really, really high brow…
Matt (to Gwen): Pick up your stick and your balls now.
James: (snorted) Balls!
Gwen: I have three balls. It’s a genetic disorder.
***
We are living in Downton Abbey…
{Matt walks into the house}
Matt (in a British accent): Hello!
James: ’ello, guv’nah!
***
We are wordsmiths…
Me (quizzing James on his vocabulary words): Benediction
James: Umm…
Matt: It’s when you have an addiction to Ben – you really like him.
(Author’s note – say it out loud. Then you’ll get it.)
Me: Uh, no. It’s a blessing. Next word – disparagement.
James: Ummm…
Matt: It’s the one closer to you when you have two paragements. Dis (this) paragement.
***
We fall victims to auto-correct…
{texting}
Me: I’ll order the Chinese food – what do you want?
Me: I’ll order the Chinese food – what do you want?
Gwen: Dad wants human shrimp.
Me: Human shrimp? That’s gross.
***
We self medicate…
Matt (after a trying day at work): Some people soothe themselves with alcohol when they have a bad day. I soothe myself with milkshakes.
***
We are lazy…
{James walks into his bedroom, and stands there without opening a single drawer}
James: I can’t find my soccer jersey.
Me: Why don’t you try opening a drawer?
James (opens drawer): Oh yeah. There it is.
***
Did I mention we are high brow?
Gwen is talking to Siri on her iPhone, trying to pull up a recipe. She keeps saying “spicy vegetable soup,” but the other conversations in the room keep messing her up. On her third or fourth try, she tells us to be quiet:
Gwen (speaking into phone): SPICY VEGETABLE SOUP
Matt (leaning over to speak into phone): IN YOUR BUTT
In case you’ve forgotten, Matt is not my 12 year old, he is my husband. I know, I know – how have I managed to hold on to such a mature and sophisticated man?
***
Witness the difference between a teenage girl and a tween boy:
Gwen is late for school because she can’t find the leggings that she wants to wear with her sweater.
James is ready ten minutes early, wearing a pair of shorts (it’s 40 degrees). They are butt ugly and have every color in the spectrum on them, except red. What does he pair them with? Red socks, of course.
At least he wore a black t-shirt with this duo.
***
And finally, when I thought I had all the material I needed for this post, I walk into the family room after the kids leave for school and see this:
Need a closer look? Here you go:
Yes, that is a dirty knife sticking up from the coffee table/ottoman. James had eaten chocolate chip pancakes there, and managed to put his dish in the dishwasher. Maybe he was saving the knife for later?
***
If I haven’t scared you away, buzz around and click on the links below for a peek into some other homes:
Baking In A Tornado
Just a Little Nutty
Follow me home . . .
The Sadder But Wiser Girl
Menopausal Mother
The Momisodes
Spatulas on Parade
The Rowdy Baker
Sorry kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others
Juicebox Confession
Writer B is Me
Dates 2 Diapers
Kiss my List
Moms Don’t Say That
Adventure into Domesticland
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