When I told you a few weeks ago that I was writing a birthday post for your brother, I saw the look on your face and knew exactly what you were thinking. You always feel that I favor him, that I give him a pass when I am hard on you, that I love him more. Oh sweetie, that could not be farther from the truth. I get angry at you when you complain about what you perceive as inequality, but underneath that anger my heart tightens. How could I love anyone – your brother and father included – more than I love you? I love them as much as I love you, to be sure, but never, EVER, more.
The moment you were born, my heart burst into a million pieces of joy, only to reassemble into something bigger, fuller, more complete. You are my one and only daughter. While you don’t resemble me much physically, in so many other ways we are startlingly alike. I’m sure that’s why we butt heads.
I know you feel like I ride you too much. I know you think I am easier on your brother. And maybe I do, maybe I am. You are a tough nut to crack, my darling daughter. When you were little, there was no punishment or consequence that seemed to affect you. Now that you are a teenager, you can’t stand me one minute and are hugging me the next.
Over the years, I have repeatedly spoken with your grandmother, your aunt, and my friends about parenting issues. I know you hate when I talk about you to other people, but being a mother is a job best performed with a support system. When you and I were having a tough time, I said that those character traits that cause me such stress as a mother will serve you well as you grow up. “If only you would use those powers for good,” I’ve said, only half joking.
Those very traits that make me hard on you, that make you feel like I ride you too much? They WILL serve you well, and they are traits that you should take pride in.
We clash because you are very strong willed. May I dare say stubborn?
But I admire you for standing up for what you believe in. You do not bow to peer pressure, and I hope that as you are presented with temptations to succumb to that pressure in the years to come, you will evoke that strong will and stay true to yourself.
We clash because you can have a fresh mouth.
But I admire your wit. So much fabulous wit. I am (probably overly) proud of your quick sense of humor.
We clash because you have a quick temper.
But I admire the fact that you are quick to forgive and forget. Like me, you anger quickly but you let go of the anger easily. You never go to bed angry and you mend fences with those you care about. You even chastise me when we hug and I let go first.
We clash because you argue with me over every perceived injustice and you have always tested your limits.
But I admire your intelligence. You are smart, and you don’t apologize for it. Often teenage girls downplay their intelligence because they think it makes them cooler. You don’t do that, and if you ever do I will make sure you hear about it.
We clash because you usually think you are right and I am wrong.
But I admire your confidence. I know that being a teenage girl is not easy, and I know that you do not always feel confident. But you generally believe in your abilities and talents, and you know what you do well without being boastful.
Being your mother is my greatest challenge and my greatest accomplishment. You are my first born, and there is an enormous place in my heart that became yours fifteen years ago today. It will always be yours, and you will always be my baby girl.
Happy birthday, sweetie. I promise that from now on, when you hug me, I will never let go first.
The post I will never let go first appeared first on Kiss my List.